i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
