I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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