We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
