before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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