Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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