I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
