we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
