dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ladies don't puke and tell
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
