I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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