I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
