We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
