I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
