Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
