Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
