i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
