Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
