I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
