just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
PANTIES FOUND
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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