how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
