Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
