Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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