i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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