This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
