i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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