I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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