When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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