I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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