I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize