This is not my ceiling
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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