my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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