Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
