he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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