yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
