You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
