Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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