Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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