You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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