batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize