So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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