NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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