I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
