Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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