Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
