We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
