When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
