So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
