Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
