I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
