I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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