need another drink. this is the easiest way
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
