My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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