The maid of honor just puked.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
