guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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