All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
