if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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