Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
