shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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