Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
