if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
