I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
