It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
