Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
