News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
