phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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